The Tale Of Jasper Hale
by MysteryTwilighter
Summary: Crackfic. Take a deeper look into Jasper Hale's personal life. One thing to learn from this is; never ever give Jasper Whitlock Hale a test tube. Also, NEVER give Renesmee a banana. Ever. Hilarity Ensues. Co written by SoullessIsEverywhere0x
1. Chapter 1

**Okay so basically, me and my friend Anastasia (**SoullessIsEverywhere0x**) got bored in Chemistry. That's normal right?** **Whats NOT normal is that one of us (me) is in love with Jasper Hale and so this very ... odd story was born. Its a complete crackfic so no flames please. **

**Review (:**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the worldd offf twilight. Although one day Jasper will be mine (': I won't give up on that one :D**

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**The Tale of Jasper Hale **

It was a boring day in Chemistry and, as usual, Dr U was blowing stuff up in test tubes at the front of the class. We were all being bored to death with chemicals, when suddenly, from the abyss of a boiling tube ( :O ) came... JASPER.

We were all shocked. The class was shocked. Dr U was shocked. Jasper actually looked quite shocked. Dr U had mastered TELEPORTATION. In a boiling tube.

The shock soon passed though when everyone realised that Jasper was, quite literally, BOUNCING off of the walls in the classroom. "!" he screamed as he jumped from the board, to the ceiling, to the fume chambery-thing, and finally landed on Dr U's head. Jasper looked around at all the shocked people in the room and let out one final cry of "" before bouncing off Dr U's head, going through the ceiling and finally landing on... Mars aka. Emmett's Magical Land That No-One Thought Was Real.

As Jasper flew through the air there were many things going through his head: '_Where am I?! Who am I?! What am I?! Am I Emmett?! Oh God please no!_'. Then, he crashed, head first, into a small blob-like substance. ''!'' Jazzy screamed. He brushed off the blob-like substance but then ran straight into another one. It took Jasper about 20 minutes of running, splatting into one, then getting up again before he realised that the blob-like creatures were actually alive. And, he thought, strangely similar to a girl he'd once met. Olivia? Was that her name?

When he had _finally_ realised that the creatures were alive he, funnily enough, screamed like a girl and tried to run away... but only succeeded into running into ANOTHER of the creatures and... well, you get the point now. The flobs, as we now know them to be called, were slowly getting more and more annoyed at Jasper for splatting their friends and so began surrounding him. When he realised what was happening, he panicked and made a cross with his fingers. He held it towards them and shouted "STAY BACK FOUL BEASTS!". The flobs looked puzzled for a moment, then continued surrounding him with what looked like torches and pitchforks. _(I'm not sure where you'd find torches and pitchforks on Mars but hey)._

Luckily, the flobs had had a Vampire Scare earlier that week, when a guy appeared carrying a banana-crazed toddler, and so were on high alert vampire-wise and knew exactly what to do. However, the flobs were distracted by the horrifying thoughts of the banana-crazed toddler, and Jasper seized the opportunity and ran for it. Unfortunately for Jazzy, the flobs' leader, the Giant Gummy Bear of the Great Western Woods, had sensed a disturbance in the FlobWorld Force (aka. Mars, Emmett's Magical Land That No-One Thought Was Real) and had come out to see what all the noise was about. And so… Jazzydoodle ran straight into him _(It's becoming a bit of a habit of his)._ The Giant Gummy Bear roared (if gummy bears can roar that is, which I doubt they can _(They can, trust me.)_) and the flobs turned on Jasper again. But now, unfortunately for the Giant Gummy Bear, Jasper was HUNGRY.

So… Jazzy ate the Giant Gummy Bear. The flobs were completely enraged by the death of their leader/God/thing and so started to attack him. He legged it for about 10 minutes until he came to a cave. The gap was just big enough for him to get through but too small for the flobs to squeeze though. (_Hahahahhh Jazzy 1 Flobs 0)_

"VICTORY!" he shouted, peeking out of the hole in the wall.

"UNCLEEEEE JAZZZYYYY!" he heard from behind him. Renesmee?

He turned around and indeed, there sat Renesmee and Edward. It was an odd sight. It seemed that Edward was trying to force-feed Renesmee a banana - a banana of all things! '_Ah well'_ thought Jazzy, after he let the shock and downright outrage sink in, '_I might as well put her out of her misery'._ Jasper strolled up to Edward, took the banana out of his hand and threw it through the gap in the wall.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Edward screamed, and proceeded to break down and melt into a small puddle on the floor.

"Waaaaaaaaa?" said Jazzy. Then he turned, and the horror sunk in. By taking away the banana, he had let loose... the WRATH OF RENESMEE.

"RUN MY BROTHER, SAVE YOURSELF!" Edward-Puddle screamed. '_Sheesh, he's such a girl' _Jasper thought as he made it through the hole, just in time to hear Renesmee's blood(heehee)-curdling scream. The only thing that stood in Jazzy's way now were the flobs, but they were so dazed by the scream they didn't even notice him as he walked past and drew moustaches in permanent marker on them.

When Jasper returned to the place where he first fell onto Emmett's Magical Land That No-One Thought Was Real he began plotting ways to get back home. 'A SPACESHIP!' he thought. And so... he built one. It was all fine and dandy until Edward and Renesmee came to find him. Nessie, who was still pissed at Jasper for depriving her of her banana, proceeded to eat the engine. That's when he really had to think.

All that was in the area was the remainders of the Giant Gummy Bear, Edward, Nessie and the opening to the Great Western Woods. Jasper was thinking for what seemed like days (but was probably not even a few minutes) before he recalled how he got here.

"BOUNCING!" he shouted, and so they did. They bounced and bounced, but it was no good, until Renesmee accidentally bounced on the gummy bear and shot off into space.

"NESSIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Edward shouted before bouncing after her.

'_Ahh why not'_ thought Jasper, as he climbed onto the gummy bear, and then bounced off into space.

Jasper was in a daze when he fell to earth, but was abruptly snapped back into reality as he saw the strangest thing... an ARMY OF HANNAH MONTANAS!!! It took Jasper a while before he realised he had landed on Carlisle, and that he too was dressed like Hannah Montana alongside his ENTIRE, and I mean ENTIRE, family.

'_Carlisle must have gotten to them too with his strange fetishes',_ he only had time to say "What the hel-" before the Hannah Montananiness took over him, and he too was doing the 'Hoedown THROWDOWN'. Whilst wearing a wig.


	2. Chapter 2

**Just to explain about the dates. We were writing this in torn out pages of one of those year planners. The dates just got incorporated into the story. Sorry about that :D **

**Also, YES we did write this in a biology revision session at school. We were very bored. Hence the story (: **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. Sucks I know. But I don't. (:  
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**The Tale of Jasper Hale ~ Episode 2**

**FEBRUARY 2009**

**9 ****MONDAY**

It was a cold winter day, apparently 9th February 2009 at 7:00 which it quite obviously wasn't, but hey. Jasper was walking into an all girls' school, when all of a sudden something flew out of the sky and hit him in the head.

He woke up an hour later at 8:00 and looked up to see it was a… STRAWBERRY! As he looked up to see where it came from, once again a strawberry fell, knocking him out until 10:00.

He then realised that if he went inside nothing would be able to fall out of the sky and hit him in the head, so he walked into a biology revision session, which just so happened to be going on at that moment in time, and sat next to a girl wearing a pink hoodie because, well, he decided that his favourite colour at 11:00 was pink. After an hour of biology he was getting very bored so he decided to… start a disco party. Fair enough. So everyone started randomly dancing (including Dr K). Well, everyone except for one girl. She just sat there looking scared. But now it was almost 2:00, so everyone ran off to get food. Except Jazzydoodle. He just kept dancing completely obliviously. After a while he did indeed notice the lack of people and decided to go back to the chemistry lab which was indeedio the PORTAL TO… Emmett's Magical Land That No-one Thought Was Real (EMLTNTWR). He remembered how much fun he had had there last time, so he attempted to find the portal. However, he couldn't. Then he noticed a very subtle clue. Written on the board in large letters was a note that read-

'THE PORTAL IS A TEST TUBE'

So he searched through all the 19,773 test tubes in the school until he found it. Now it was 7:00 (again) and Jasper was happy. :) (God knows why)

**FEBRUARY 2009**

**7 ****SATURDAY**

Jasper bided his time before re-entering Emmett's world, for he had heard that Renesmee had overthrown this land and was now a dictator. They called her Hitlina. This scared Jasper A LOT. So at precisely 8:71am on Saturday February 7th 2009 he decided he needed to start a REBELLION. So, he made a petition and ran back to the biol revision session demanding everyone sign it and join together to face the WRATH of RENESMEE. However, by 10:00 he only had 3 people signed up ~ Non-Dancing Girl, Pink Hoodie Girl and a girl called Olivia who he knew he had met before and was sure was related to the flobs on EMLTNTWR. This was indeed a mighty army! Indeed it was. So… off they went into (How they did that i'll never understand) the test tube to go to EMLTNTWR and face the WRATH of RENESMEE.

Dun dun DUNNN!

**8 ****SUNDAY**

The next day… all was still on EMLTNTWR, except for the giant mansion on the Great Northern Hill (see map) where the Great War was in full battle. The Giant Gummy Bear of the Great Western Woods (see map again) and his minions were locked in battle against the flobs. Olivia screamed and ran to join the battle with her fellow flobs. Jasper, Non-Dancing Girl and Pink* Hoodie Girl stood by in amazement. Meanwhile, Renesmee surveyed her kingdom and the chaos and giggled evilly. We were all doomed, as Jasper soon realised. So, he ran away. Or at least he tried to… Instead he ran into the middle of the battle and so began the running into a flob, falling down, and starting again etc. etc. until… Renesmee came out with a machine gun. Everyone stopped fighting and stared at her in awe. However, when she shot the gun bubblegum balls flew out and hit a Dark Figure on the head.

*As a side note, Jasper's favourite colour isn't pink any more. It is now an orangey-green.

**MARCH 2009**

**17 ****TUESDAY**

**St. Patrick's Day** ß Yay! *Jasper dances an Irish jig*

The Dark Figure screamed a surprisingly girly scream and flew (quite literally) at Renesmee. She panicked and fired more bubble gum balls at it. The Dark Figure magically flew straight through Renesmee and landed on Jasper. He gasped. For the Dark Figure was… EDWARD… omg! Jasper attempted to run away, but failed, so he decided to resort to dancing. Irish dancing. Edward was confused. Renesmee and the flobs were confused. They just stood there, confusion showing an their faces, when Nessie said:

"**I. NEED. FOOOOD!"**

And everyone ran way. Except Edward, who was running in circles attempting to find a banana when a banana-flavoured gummy bear ran past… Edward stopped and froze, trying to get his brain to process this…

_His thoughts went something along these lines...  
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_~ Hmm… Bananas… Pretty…_

_~ Nessie likes bananas a lot… Oooohhh a butterfly...  
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_~ OH CRAP._

By 6:00 he had worked out what to do. He grabbed the gummy bear (which had been *dazzled*) and threw it at her. Strangely enough it made a noise like a deflating balloon before exploding into a ball of (banana-flavoured) flames. Yum.

**MARCH 2009**

**18 ****WEDNESDAY**

So… Renesmee/Hitlina was growing more and more upset. But she thought the exploding gummy bear was pwettyy. So she grabbed more gummy bears and chucked them all in the air, resulting in the sky being filled with different flavoured flames. Jasper was in awe. Why hadn't he thought of this sooner? He knew why. It was because he had a secret. A deep secret. Since that first day on EMLTNTWR he had been terrified of gummy bears. He would never tell anyone. Not even his blankie. It was then that he realized he had a mind-reading brother stood behind him. Oh bugger. So Jasper decided to get **REVENGEEE!** He used his magical emotion-controlling/changing powery thing to make Edward fall in love… with the Giant Gummy Bear himself. Although Jasper didn't actually know why he wanted **revenge**, since he didn't know if Edward had even heard. But hey; it was fun to mess with his quite possibly GAY brother. So, he… sent out waves of his powerishness to Eduardo. Eduardo stopped and turned towards someone. The Jasparino realised he had made an error. For Eddy wasn't in love with the Giant Gummy Bear; he was in love with… SNAPE, who had randomly appeared on EMLTNTWR, due to an apparition gone wrong. Snape looked around in confusion, then announced to no-one in particular 'What is that Mysterious Ticking Noise?'. The others were baffled. There was no Mysterious Ticking Noise. Then Snape began to sing. Eduardo joined in.

**(A/N Preferably you should listen to the Mysterious Ticking Noise whilst reading the next bit. It's the only way it makes sense)**

_Ed-ward Edward Cullen, Ed-ward Edward Cullen_

_Rosalie_

_Ed-ward Edward Cullen_

_Rosalie_

_Car-Car Carlisle, Car-Car-Carlisle_

_Alice, Alice, Alice, Alice, Alice._

_EMMETTCULLENEMMETTCULLEN OOO EMMETTCULLENEMMETTCULLEN YEAHH EMMETTCULLENEMMETTCULLEN OOO EMMETTCULLENEMMETTCULLEN THATS ME!_

_Edward, EMMETT. Edward EMMETT Edward EMMETT Edward EMMETT Aliceeeeeeeee Rosalie._

_Emmett Cullen, Im Emmett Cullen, Im Emmett Cullen EmmyEmmett Cullen_

_SINGING OUR SONG ALL DAY LONG AT (Deep breath) _

_._

_Edward: Hey Snape! I found the source of that ticking. It was Esme!_

_Everyone: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY_

_**BOOM**_

_Mwhahahahaha. JasperHale JasperHale oooo JazzyJazzyJazzy Jasper Hale!_

_-Fade to Black-_

**MARCH 2009**

**19 ****THURSDAY**

When everybody had stopped singing… everybody was confused. Where had the rest of the Cullens come from? Why was Esme ticking? But these questions were never answered, because at that moment Olivia reappeared. For some reason, unknown to everyone, she was wearing a chicken costume. She clucked once before she flew over and grabbed Carlisle's Hannah Montana wig in her claws/talon-things and flew off into the Great Western Woods (as mentioned above, see map). Carlisle immediately broke down into tears. (It was 12:48pm on 19th March 2009). Since Esme was not there with her Hannah Montana Wig Store, there was nothing anyone could do. Except Jasper, but he was otherwise engaged, so Edward and Snape decided to plant a Wig Tree, because otherwise EMLTNTWR might end up flooding. But just as this was happening, Renesmee appeared with the teleport in the shape of a test tube. Everybody gasped. ( :O ) For in her other hand was… a Banana! omg! The remaining flobs immediately ran away because the last time they had seen a banana things hadn't ended too well. Alas, Jasper was suddenly enraged. He WANTED that banana, and so he tackled Renesmee to the ground.

**MARCH 2009**

**20 ****FRIDAY**

But somehow, in the fight for the banana, Jasper ended up with the teleport and thus transported himself back to the biol revision session. The shocking thing was… HE HAD THE BANANA. omg! Everyone stared at him (Non-Dancing Girl and Pink Hoodie Girl had somehow already gotten back). He then looked at the board and saw that Dr K had made an ERROR! So Jasper, being a biology genius, drew a v. complex and confusing diagram that only made sense to him, using the banana as a pen. The strange thing was… it WORKED. Soon afterwards the rest of the Cullen family arrived in the classroom. Everybody was extremely confused. Somehow Esme had appeared with various Hannah Montana wigs and a CD player.

It wasn't long until the world was at peace once more, and the Hoedown Throwdown took over the biology class.

(Non-Dancing Girl ran away, and Jasper's favourite colour was now blue polka dots.)


End file.
